originally posted Dec 3, 2019
In my adolescent years, I was incredibly hard on myself. In every aspect of my life. In sports, I played soccer since I was 6 years old. I was never nice to myself when I missed a play. In my mind on repeat I would say:
You are horrible, how could you do that, she was right there, pass to your f****ing teammate.
Needless to say, my self-talk was ALWAYS negative. When it came to school, I wasn’t all about getting the best grades. I did try hard to fit in with the popular girls. If it was a new club or the choir crowd in high school or a sleepover I was dying to get invited to. I always was trying to be someone else and also trying to stand out. I strived to be popular but I also hated following those popular girls. I knew I wasn’t being true to myself back then, I just never recognized it. I imitated the friends I looked up to but so badly I wanted to be myself.
I wanted to perfect in certain aspects of my life and wanted to be footloose and fancy-free in many other parts of my life. I knew at an early age I was different than my counterparts. I knew there was something inside of me yearning to escape and take me on a journey. I didn’t know what kind of journey, I was a little nervous about this but knew it was what the stars had in mind for me. I was always mesmerized by the night sky, storms, anything that came from the gorgeous blue sky. Perhaps it was the divine energy of the universe that was calling me all those years ago.
Now at 38, I have started to change the way I talk to myself. First thing is to know that I am human, I am not perfect, I am flawed, I am me, no one else. You might not know this but I had a blog for 6 years about my life in Florence. I then found the man I married and thought, ‘who wants to hear about my life now’. I wasn’t doing anything special. More importantly, I wasn’t happy with my job in Florence towards the end. I was lost once again on what my next step would be.
‘What should my next chapter be called?’ my higher self asked.
At the time, I was happily getting married to an amazing man but did my chapter want to be titled, motherhood or married life with my husband, or yoga instructor. I struggled with that for the first few years after returning home.
My husband had always said to me, I want to travel the world with you. That was looking like the best plan for us. I loved the idea of traveling. But one thing was missing from this puzzle.
What is my purpose in this life? I need a plan.
What can I do with my life that will be beneficial to myself and others?
That is when I remembered I wanted to be a yoga instructor for the longest time. After being a Bodyflow instructor for many years, I wanted that added knowledge. Long story short, after my yoga training, I was back to negative self-talk because of how unsatisfactory my training was. I knew I needed to be strong to finish this training. After the $2900 I spent, I needed to ignore the negative energy I felt and received from that toxic environment.
The only way I got through it was I felt all the feelings of anguish, anger, worry, doubt, fear within myself. I was then able to move on. I started doing community classes on a donation basis, to see how I felt teaching. The way I wanted to teach. It felt like my path. I felt all the feels, I did have to tame my self-talk so I didn’t self-sabotage. But I moved through it, felt it, and let it go. I realize now that I needed that challenging experience in yoga training to know how powerful and strong I actually was all along.
Are you still negatively talking to yourself? If not, have you been able to move past it and learn and grow?
Try to notice when you are talking badly to yourself. What can you do to change the self-talk? Would you talk like that if you were talking to a friend?
Love & Light,